Do I Really Want Kids?

I asked myself that question like a million time.

It's been five years since our miraculuous wedding. At first I was not really ready for a child. I was EXCITED on the idea living together with Bang Gigit and the adventures in front of us. In addition, Mami promised us vacation to Holy Land of Israel in April 2010 so we tried not to conceive before the journey.

Our first "let-go" to okay with a baby (aka not using condom) was in Betlehem. I remember the solemn starry night from the hotel and I felt like Princess Jasmine with the 1001 nights background.. ^,^

We were not successful that night..
and the following nights 5 years after that as well.

I am so blessed to have parents and in-laws that realize a child is a gift from God. Though they expect us to have our own, they never really push us. I guess such parents and in-laws is a bliss on its own that one should ask fervently in prayer.

We did go to doctors to check what's wrong with us. Why something that seems so easy for most people, even those who don't want any, not really come naturally to us.

The results were disappointing:
1. Both of Faloppian Tube were blocked
2. TOXO
3. Infertile uterus
4. PcOS, small eggs
5. High antibody vs Hepatitis
6. Low mobility sperm

In short, we were deemed unable to bear our own child naturally. Some interventions and improvement in our way of living shall be done. I need to lose 30 kgs for starter.. goodness!


I desperately want a child of my own circa 2013. I got that motherly feeling when I saw babies' pics. I became softer and tolerant to mothers with children having tantrums in church (previously I always upset with such mothers). And I got jealous everytime I heard someone's getting pregnant.

Some advises from friends and families:
1. Masseuse - somewhere in Cibubur.
The family referring us to this one said that we might need to drink water from him. He also has somw inner strength.
2. Masseuse - Bandung.
this one is from Papi. He'd telĺ whether I am actually able or not to bear a child only by touching my foot. Since it's Papi who referred us, we plan to follow it but it requires weekly travel to Bandung for at least a month so we never find a fit schedule.
3. Masseuse - somewhere in Kelapa Gading.
it's near! And a friend got pregnant after a series of theraphies. However, I cannot tell that I am Christian. She will pray in her religion and I should follow it.
Never went there, of course.
4. A shrink - somewhere in Ci???
from a friend in GE. She get pregnant through this one after a year of failed attempts. The shrink would not allow you to visit doctors during his theraphy. And you cannot question his method. Just follow along his rituals. There's a story of one who went to a doctor after being pregnant by this shrink and the belly was said empty. You cannot asked questions to anyone until the delivery.

OMG. I believe some supernatural force is with each and every one of them.

And I decided.. I'd better have no child of my own, rather than having one not from God.

So we just stick with the usual and normal fertility doctors. And we looked for a not-too-busy doctor in nearby hospital. Nothing fancy or expensive abroad hospitals. We believe this: if God finally grant us a baby, he will make a way that no human can think of..

So, do I really want kids?
Of course..
But not that much to the point of I'd sacrifice my God.

When the time comes, to God be the glory :)


-syska-